Evolution.

Sometimes I get so full of energy and all I want to do is make something, or rip something to pieces. Sort of both really. I just itch to go hole up in a studio somewhere all alone and smash things, and glue things, and make big, really big pieces of art that take my whole body and my whole energetic, destructive, creative self to make. I just want to move my whole body and make something out of the process. I suppose that is the appeal of homesteading. That it requires a whole body working with it's whole spirit to make something that works, that is useful and productive and is also glorious, gorgeous beauty. I want to dig my hands deep into the "good clean dirt " as Grandpa called it and make something lovely. It seems that for me, creative energy and destructive energy go hand in hand and I think I'm not the only one. (Maybe I am. What do I know?) I think in order to make things, we often have to destroy things. We cut down trees to build with, we cut up fabric to sew with. The old saying rings true, "You have to break an egg to make an omelet".

In a way it's a need to make my own self. It is when we try ourselves that we grow the most. When we work our hardest that we develop the greatest. It's not that I have this unquenchable desire to break myself, but there is (in all of us, no?) a quintessential need to grow, and I guess at times that means we need to break. And I guess at times that's why I get so jittery sitting still.

As I've been sitting here trying to keep my kids entertained, whilst entertaining my own sort of wiggles I'm thinking about photos I made yesterday. They are seeds and things of the like that I've collected since being here. Here, where the winter means new flowers and plants instead of blankets and blankets of snow and cold. Not all are seeds, but all represent potential, or life, or both usually, so most are seeds. I suppose I didn't think about that when I picked them up, but they are what I find myself drawn to and so I surround myself with them. Tiny little things that will put all they are into ...another tiny thing. Even as I write this, I realize that as often as I've thought that a seed puts it's all into becoming a great tree or something, it really doesn't. It puts it's all, every last thing it is, into becoming a tiny seedling. Then the seedling gives it's all to become a little bigger, and so on, and so on, forever until something stops it. I itch and wiggle with the desire to grow all at once, to put all my destruction into one big huge creation, but the fact is that even as I ache to put my all into something, that something will grow slowly, as we all do. I will evolve.